On Purpose

As I sat there contemplating what I should do next I could feel my panic rising, my stomach churning delicious coffee I had been enjoying warning me that if I didn't get my anxiety under control soon there would be punishments.

I finally regained my voice - and probably a lot sooner than it felt - and answered her questions, allowing her manic curiosity to start manhandling me. And it did. This force walked into my life, assaulting me with questions and holding me accountable to answer.

This person, this unknown energy that had just been thrown my way, was consuming me without even knowing it. Her heightened energy, fast talking, curiosity, and straightforward outgoing persona was engulfing me whole and all I could do to keep from drowning was saying to myself, albeit in my head, "It's fine. You're fine. It's not her fault, she was sent to you. You didn't ask for this and neither did she. It's fine. You'll be fine. Just do what you need to do".

And it was fine, kinda I suppose.

I don't like having people thrown into my personal space without fair warning. I like to know if I'm going to have someone training with me at work, I like to know when people are going to come over to my house and hangout, I like to know when ANYONE is going to be invading my space because it allows me to get my anxiety controlled before it even starts.

When someone enters my personal space without my knowledge beforehand my first inclination is to defend my space and energy which comes off as cold-hearted bitch syndrome. To be quite honest I can seem to be a very unpleasant person when my personal space is compromised. It also makes matters worse when I find out that someone purposefully sent someone into my space without telling me when they KNOW my reservations around those types of situation.

It's bullying and it's wrong while being completely ineffective to whatever situation is involved. It is also unfair to the other persons' involved as they don't deserve my cold attitude.

No matter how hard I try, no matter how many times I tell myself that it's not this scared unfortunate souls problem that other people don't know how to respect others space, or boundaries, I still wish I could gain more control over my reactions when this happens.

Boundaries...

When you have worked for years to build up your boundaries and then worked harder still to stick to them it's heart shattering to have someone else step all over those boundaries, seemingly without a second thought. It makes it even worse when that person knows your anxiety issues and yet still invades your personal space with their unprofessional tactics.

So...

I'm having trouble coping today and the guilt left behind by my unintentional attitude towards the individual who was thrown into my energy space is eating at me.

I know it wasn't my fault. I know I'm not too blame. But the guilt will still exist.

When you have boundaries and then others refuse to respect those boundaries it's OK to feel violated because you are, in fact, being violated. Your space is being violated - your heart, your soul, your energy, your boundaries - your entire person inside and out IS BEING VIOLATED.

The solution? Take your personal power back.

I've got a meeting with my therapist tomorrow and you can bet I'm bringing this up. I have a feeling she will tell me I never lost control, but that "little Nicole" - the Nicole that existed before healthy adult Nicole - was triggered by the overstepping of my boundaries and then she will ask me what Coach Nicole would tell client Nicole.

Well fuck I guess.

Are you also looking to reclaim your personal power over a particular situation? Conquer the one and conquer them all, retrospectively anyways. The key? Finding out why you were triggered in the first place.

The solution? Self-love.

Make sure you stick to your boundaries and continue to voice your opinion to said invader. Make your point clear and if those boundaries still cannot be respected then it might be time to reevaluate the relationship and see if there truly is any potential for it to continue.

Self-love is the magick that will continue to hold you together for years to come. Don't underestimate it and don't forget that your soul needs that self-love in order to continue to move forward living out the purpose intended.

Keep moving forward.

Keep believing.

Keep loving.

Live love